The Kingdom Hearts Diaries
by Macnspam
Summary: We will be taking a short break. We will be spoofing KH1 so we can give you a better idea of how things came to be so confusing. We didn't actually follow the story for our spoof, because we assumed that everyone had played all of the games. Sorry folks.
1. Randomness

Disclaimer: WE own nothing of Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters. They belong to Square Enix co. WE also do not own any other characters or names related to anything else.

THE NAMES ARE NOT OURS!!!

Warning: extended exposure can cause temporary blindness, seizures and may lead to heart failure. Reader discretion is advised.

The Kingdom Hearts Diaries

Episode 1: Randomness

Chapter 1: Complete and Utter Stupidity

"Ouch! That's my foot you idiot!" screeched Kairi. She and her "friends" Riku and Sora were at that moment trapped inside of a cramped and very dark soda machine in an abandoned gas station. She winced in pain as Riku stepped on her foot.

"Oh, sorry I was aiming for your other foot." said Riku as he stumbled through the darkness. Sora, who was searching for an exit, slid his hands all over the grimy floor for any sign of a button or switch. (Soda machines nowadays have switches in them just in case someone gets stuck in one… just kidding…) "Hey guys, if it helps you out, I found a dollar on the floor." said Sora. "But if not, this is going straight into my Rehab fund!" Kairi on the other hand was a tad bit more successful. "Aha! There's the soda drop door! Fork it over you stooge!" said Kairi as she snatched the dollar out of his hands and stuck her arm out of the door in the wall. "Almost got it!" said Kairi. She reached out as far as she could and inserted the dollar into the machine's front bill slot. She pressed a random button on the front and there was a click. With a crash all three of them fell out of the soda machine. "Whew! That's the last time we hitchhike inside of a Pepsi supply truck." said Riku massaging his head. "How did we get into this mess anyway?" said Kairi thoughtfully as she dusted herself off. "Don't you remember?" said Sora with a frown. Kairi glared at him and said "Well maybe I would if you hadn't mistaken my Laptop for firewood! I had everything about us on there! Even my online copy of your Diary!!!" Sora ignored her and said cheerfully "Well, let's just start it over again!" Kairi looked disgusted at the very thought. "Oh, God! Don't make me have to relive these last two horrifying years!" Riku laughed. "Too late! The flashback is starting! And this one is going to be long!" Kairi started to shiver uncontrollably. "No! Not again!" And the world faded away.

"What do you mean we're fired?!" asked Kairi. Sora, Riku, and Kairi were in a heated discussion with Tetsuya Nomura, Kingdom Hearts and some Final Fantasy characters designer in the middle of the sunny Destiny Islands branch of Square Enix. "You heard me!" he said, "You're fired! You guys take up too much in the ways of assets." He began pacing madly in circles around the room. Sora Riku and Kairi had looks of complete disgust and outrage on their faces. "But it's not fair! We've been doing nothing but slaving for you!" said Riku. "And while I'm on that subject, do you even pay your employees?" He was clearly miffed. "Yeah! We haven't even been paid!" said Sora. "And don't forget our living conditions." said Riku. "We've been living off the free Donut Bar in the staff lounge!" he exclaimed. "Yeah! We haven't had anything to drink besides the air conditioner runoff for the past three months." said Sora. Tetsuya stopped pacing for a moment. "I thought I replaced the water fountain ages ago." said Tetsuya, thinking deeply. "No wait, that was the other air conditioner twenty five years ago. But I'm getting off subject; the point is you're all taking up too many assets! So, we're just going to replace you with CGI characters. At least they don't whine when they lose body parts in our action scenes." He started to pace about the room again. "So you're just going to let us go?" said Riku. "That's right! You're leaving! Go!" said Tetsuya. Blank horror dawned on Riku and Sora's faces as Kairi glared at Tetsuya. She shuddered with anger and pointless rage as she said "We're not going anywhere." Tetsuya looked up at her with dim interest. "Really? Well that's too bad." He said. "I'll just call security." A strange and powerful black aura blossomed at the feet of Kairi and wove its way up around her. "What? What are you doing?" said Tetsuya, eyes widening in fear. Cracks suddenly appeared in the floor underneath him, and the lights started to flicker on and off. Books flew off of the bookshelves, and papers began to fly around the room as a sudden wind came from nowhere. "Get ready for a ride you'll never forget!" shouted Kairi. A gaping hole opened directly beneath him and Tetsuya fell screaming for his life, and the floor sealed itself exactly where he had just been standing. Immediately the chaos stopped dead in its tracks. "Whoa…" said Sora. "That is so… creepy." Riku walked over to where the hole had opened in the spotless floor. "Incredible… I've never known Kairi to lose it like that." said Riku. "Since when can she do that?" said Sora." "Don't you remember?" said Riku. "I remember it like it was yesterday." _flashback_ scene: Kairi and Sora walking on set. Kairi: Sora, where are we going? Sora: Um… you're breaking up! You're going through a tunnel! Kairi: Yeah…_Okaaaaaay_... moving on… Sora: Here we are! Kairi: Wow! A News interview? Awesome! I'm going to get my close up! Cameraman: Yes you are Kairi! But in order for the camera to get you're entire face, you will have to move a little to the left. Kairi: This good? Cameraman: Just a little more! Kairi: In the middle of this ritualistic demon possession circle? Cameraman: _Perfect…_ end of flashback "And with that, I have unfinished business to take care of." Kairi said as she pulled out a .57 caliber pistol and used her darkness to open another hole in the shiny office floor. She jumped inside and was gone. "Well, we can't just sit here! Let's go raid the Donut Bar!" said Sora. Riku perked up at this. "Yeah! Now you're talking! But better yet, forget the donuts! Let's rob the Company Safe! Come my young partner in crime!" They cheerfully walked out the door and into the deserted lounge. After forty-seven minutes of stealing everything in sight, they walked back to Tetsuya's office to see what became of Kairi. They found something strange.

A black cloaked figure was walking out of a dark fiery portal, dragging Kairi behind him. He looked at Sora and Riku and said, "She's your problem now!" He threw Kairi against a wall and jumped back into another portal. "Prick face!" screamed Kairi; she threw a grenade into the portal right before it closed. There was a muffled bang in the distance and the tiniest puff of smoke from where the portal was seconds before. "Who?! What?! Where were you?" asked Riku. Kairi dusted herself off. "Oh I just went down to finish some business with Tetsuya." said Kairi as she blew out the smoke from her gun. "If you know what I mean." Sora looked mystified as he looked at her. "What happened down there?" said Sora." She thought about how to say it in terms he understood. "There was a rather unfriendly welcoming party, but I took them out in no time at all." She laughed to herself. "Oh, and apparently you're only allowed to be there if you're dead. They were about to let Tetsuya out after some torture, but I made it so he could stay." Kairi smirked. "He won't be going_ anywhere._"

About forty minutes passed before sheer boredom set in. (Since Tetsuya had all of the staff ground into hamburger meat, there was no one to talk to. Just kidding, he actually called Sora and company on their day off.) "Well, what now?" said Sora. Kairi looked around the office one last time before walking back into the lobby of the studio. "Well, we should go back to the Square Enix Company head quarters. It would set our path straight and possibly get our jobs back." Sora shrugged. "Anything's better than this dump. Let's go." And before the trio left the studio, Kairi set off a demolition grade bomb that obliterated the Destiny Islands studio. _Then_ they left, completely unaware that their simple trip would take much, much longer than they planned. And adding to that, someone was spying on them, someone with unknown intentions.


	2. Violence

Chapter 2: Violence

"I swear you guys! I saw something following us for the past five blocks, and it doesn't look pretty. It seems to be something big…" The trio was walking through the smoggy streets of New York City on their way to the Square Enix head quarters. Well, Riku and Kairi were anyway, Sora was looking over his shoulder so often that it looked like he had developed some sort of twitch. "Yeah, right." said Kairi. "I think you're just paranoid, but I'll just say you need help." But Sora wasn't going to be silenced that easily, because if he had been, he could have just used Echo Herbs (Final Fantasy reference!!!)... "I'm serious!" he shouted. "Sora, ever since I teleported us here with my dark powers, you've been acting very weird. Has it gone to your head or what?" said Kairi. Sora stopped in mid step to look at the thing that was approaching them at an agonizingly slow speed. "Look…" he said, pointing at it. Kairi looked out into the smog of the narrow and distant street. A very large and distorted cloud was approaching slowly, very slowly.. "What in the world is that?" she started to ask. But before Sora could say anything, he was cut off by a shout. "It's them! They're Sora, Riku and Kairi from Kingdom Hearts!!! Let's go steal their stuff and sell it on E-bay!!!" A gigantic (Literally!) mob of fat college gamers was attacking. (No offense if you know someone) Riku started to think of an escape plan immediately, he wasn't too unfamiliar with this type of situation. Although, whenever he _was_ in that type of situation, it usually involved masses of people shooting at his head, rather than people taking his stuff …or sometimes it was both… "Okay," he said. "When they charge, we turn and hide!" said Riku. Kairi gave him an angry grimace, apparantly taking this as some sign of "treason." "Don't _**you**_ **dare** tell _**me**_ what to do!" screeched Kairi. "_**I**_ will be your ruler! And therefore _**you**_ shall obey _**me**_!" Riku and Sora, despite the fact that they were being attacked by fans, looked at her with an expression that pretty much said, "I'm sorry, but what the hell was that all about?" Kairi, clearly realizing that it was a bad move, quickly said, "I mean… I'll take care of the mob, just stand back… like on the roof of that skyscraper over there. This could get a little bloody." Sora was only too happy to oblige. She pulled out two machine guns and prepared to fight. The cloud had gotten close enough to show that the mob members were all using weapons from their favorite game franchise. Apparently they had nothing better to do in their everyday lives than to play fantasy RPGs judging by the fact that some numbers of them were using keyblades. "Come to us!" the mob leader shouted. The mob began to advance faster. Kairi's silence was enough of an answer. "Fine, if you won't submit, we will capture you with our Black Mage skills! Final Fantasy power!!!" At this point, Kairi started firing her guns. she clipped off several magazines of bullets onto the mob. She ducked behind a nearby mailbox to reload when bullets flew past her head. _Oh _wonderful! She thought. _Now I'm getting shot at!!! _She looked around the mailbox to see where they came from. _What? _The obese mob members were using their fatness to bounce shots back at her. The Mailbox had suffered several bullet holes, and was quickly disintegrating under the return fire. Kairi had to think quickly or she would be in deep trouble. "Okay, you wanna play tough? I'll show you tough!" Kairi pulled out a very large, very powerful rocket launcher. Complete with laser site. (Order now!) "Word to your mom." She smiled wickedly as she pulled the trigger.

Meanwhile, Sora and Riku were hiding on a nearby skyscraper on the roof. "Wow! Kairi is pretty good with the rocket launcher!" said Sora. Several rockets exploded at the same time near the base of the building. All of the windows on the lower floors shattered and a pillar of flames rose up in front of them on the street. "Wow! Incendiary Explosives in the warhead! That's a nice touch!" shouted Sora. They both ducked away from the edge of the roof as the fire came through to incinerate a nearby box of Gasoline tanks. Why there were gas tanks on the roof is still a mystery till episode nineteen. Another explosion rocked the building as the Gasoline tanks exploded. Just as soon as it came, the fire stopped, leaving minor embers to char the already destroyed roofing. Sora and Riku had suffered some burns to their clothing and limbs, but were otherwise unharmed… for now. "Is it over?" said Riku tentatively. Sora stepped carefully toward the edge of the roof. "I think so, but where's Kairi?" said Sora as he looked down at the street. The smoke was too thick to make out any movement. "Is she dead? Please tell me she's dead!" said Riku as he nervously paced around the rooftop. "Oh well. More company safe money for us!" said Sora cheerfully. Unfortunately the door to the office roof burst open at that very moment. A very battered looking Kairi walked calmly through the door. "Okay, now that that's out of the way, we can continue on our search for Square Co." She looked around at Riku and Sora. They were staring at her with terror in their expressions. "What?" she said. "Stop staring and answer me or you guys will get the mob of fat people treatment!" she brandished her rocket launcher viciously. "Um… uh… yeah, you see…" Sora tried to explain how he felt about Kairi surviving, but he couldn't. "What he's trying to say is that we don't understand how anyone could be this evil…" said Riku. Kairi frowned at Riku. "Well… if you think this is bad, wait till you see what I'm going to do to you in exactly three weeks, four days, six hours, and forty seven minutes from now." Riku swallowed hard, trying not to imagine what it could possibly be. "Yeah… um…" Riku stopped mid sentence. Kairi gave him a dirty look, and in that look was a tiny glint of darkness. "Forty six minutes." She laughed wickedly. "Moving on…" said Sora. They all looked around the bunt scraps that were the roofing pieces. "Wait a minute, this is supposed to be Square co.'s head office." said Kairi as she examined a piece of a gas tank. It had the Square Enix logo on it. "They must have run away when they heard I was coming." said Kairi. "We're too late." She growled to herself in anger and threw one of her last grenades on her person out of a nearby window. A loud bang sounded from the street below them as well as the screams of people. Sora and Riku had horrified expressions on their faces. "Ah, much better." said Kairi. "Now all that we need to do is take the company safe money." She turned and walked down the staircase into the nearby C.E.O. office to unlock the safe and find it desolate and empty. "No!" she said. In another bout of anger she pulled another grenade out of her left shoe and threw it out another window. Another explosion and more screams. "Well, we'll just divide up the money we stole already." She pulled a sack out of her right shoe which was filled to the brim with company checks. "Sora, you get 200,000. Riku gets 141,000 and twenty six cents. And I get the 47 million." She gave Riku and Sora their meager shares of money. "Hey! I may not be the smartest one here, but I think I know when we're being shortchanged!" protested Sora. Kairi's anger was kindled and her wrath was unleashed at this. "Let's see if you even have the capacity think at all after this!" She pushed Sora out the window with a grenade following close behind.

Many people wonder why they do certain things. Like Riku for instance, he wondered why Kairi had been evil since three years before, and got immense enjoyment in other people's suffering. And Kairi wondered why Riku even cared about his adoring fans so much. Or maybe Sora, as he fell from the rooftop of the Square co. building, wondered why he had gone with such an outrageous hairstyle. Or I, as I write this, wonder why I decided to put in this ridiculously pointless cliff hanger. He almost always used the most expensive hair gel with the strongest hold but never actually thought about why he did. He could have used medium hold! Medium! But no, it had to be ridiculous, insane, stupendous, extra crispy, and tougher than your mom hold hair gel! But it didn't actually matter because Sora was more worried about the hand grenade coming down to meet him. Apparently Kairi wanted him dead as a doornail at the bottom. It happened very fast, so fast in fact, that Sora himself didn't see it happen. The reason was that he wouldn't remember it. The grenade hit Sora in the head and disappeared into the ridiculous hairstyle that he had. Yes, it was absorbed into his hair like water into a sponge. Sora almost laughed at how closely he had avoided death, but couldn't because right as it happened he hit the ground at full speed. With a sickening crunch, Sora collapsed to the ground with Kairi was laughing up above. And the world faded away.


	3. More Stupider

Chapter 3: More Stupider

(Note: No offence to you grammar obsessed freaks out there.)

"I'm afraid it's not looking very good." said the veterinarian on the side of the crater in the road. "Several skull fractures, heavy brain damage, and plenty of blood loss." He said. "I'm surprised he's still alive." Riku and Kairi were standing beside the point of impact. "Shut up! Can't you see we're trying to mourn the loss of our friend?" said Riku as he silently cried to himself. "Speak for yourself!" said Kairi cheerfully. "I'm taking digital pictures for my Myspace page!" The Veterinarian continued his examination of a badly mangled dog next to the crater, which was also near an eighteen wheeler truck that had crashed nearby. "Sorry for doing my job!!! Gosh! Kids these days. I only wonder how this could have happened. It's sad to see how much love today's society has for animals…" Flashback Scene: Sora falls down ever closer to the ground while eighteen wheeler approaches below. The driver is having a pleasant conversation with the passenger. Driver: Well, that just about completes my route for today. Passenger: Yeah… Hey what's that thing falling down from that building over there? Driver: What thing? I don't see anything! Passenger: Why oh why did the company have to give me this guy as a partner? He begged and begged me to drive and he finally got his way! I told my boss, time and time again, that he's in no fit state to do much of anything!!! Let alone drive!!! Driver: Hey now, just because I'm blind, doesn't mean I can't drive! I could do it with my eyes shut! Passenger: Fat lot of good that does us! They might as well be! So why don't you tell that to the Police when we get pulled over? Driver: Nonsense! That's not going to- wait a minute… Oh my God no!!! I'm blind!!!! Aaaaaah!!!!! We're gonna die!!! Scene: Brakes squeal as Driver slams on the gas pedal and brakes simultaneously, while a puppy wanders onto the road and is promptly hit by the truck. End of Flashback Kairi had a very pleased look on her face. "This is going on my highlights page." she told Riku cheerfully. An ambulance siren was heard in the distance. Unfortunately the driver didn't notice the gigantic crater until it was too late to avoid falling headlong into it. The ambulance promptly smashed face first into the edge of the crater. The driver fell out of the ambulance and hit his head on the pavement and did not move. The Ambulance crash, of course, killed the driver after he fell out and crushed Sora. "Oooooh… if he wasn't dead then, he sure as heck is now!" said Riku as he dashed to the edge of the crater to get a better look. Kairi on the other hand took even more pictures. "Ooh that was a great shot!" said Kairi as she looked over her pictures, admiring the one with the Ambulance crushing Sora the most. "Forget Myspace!!! I'm going to make a book out of these! It will be great!" As she danced around the edge of the crater,(Tottering dangerously close to the edge…) she didn't notice a badly mangled boy pulling himself out from under an Ambulance… "I'm okay!" said Sora faintly as he pulled himself out of the crater. "What the heck!?!? You're still alive!?!?" yelled Riku excitedly. "My head hurts." said Sora. He stumbled around for a moment and walked face first into a nearby pole. "Well gee… let's think, maybe because you fell 50 stories, and had an ambulance crash into you!" said Riku impatiently. Kairi was more than unhappy that Sora had survived. "Man, this sucks!" said Kairi as she deleted her pictures. "These aren't worth anything if you aren't dead." she said angrily. "There goes all my cash for a book of suffering…unless…" Kairi pulled out the .57 caliber handgun she kept in her pocket. She pointed the gun at Sora, who had already suffered deep cuts and lacerations to the face and other limbs, but then thought better of it. "Nah, you'll be useful later." She looked around for another helpless target. As her gun passed over Riku, it stopped her from aiming elsewhere and wouldn't let her aim anywhere else. "Huh?" said Kairi. She felt her hand being unavoidably pulled toward the trigger and felt her finger pull it several times. "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR!?!?" yelled Riku. He was shot several times in the back and head. Kairi was amazed as to why her hand had shot Riku on its own accord, and wondered if there was some sort of curse involved. She quickly covered up her shock by putting up a nasty retort. "Oh, my magazine was almost empty and I needed to use the last few shots on someone. Sora is too close to death to shoot without killing him, and besides, I get a satisfying feeling when I cause you pain." said Kairi as she smiled with utmost evil in her expression. "That explains a lot!" said Riku as he began casting Cure on himself. "Well I guess we should try to find where the Square Enix company leaders went to, whenever Sora is done bleeding." She said as Sora stood up. "What're we talking about?" he said dimly as Kairi glared at him. "Come on! Get with the program!" Sora looked at her and said quietly, "But I don't have a computer." Kairi was taken aback for a moment by what he said. "Ummm… I _think_ something is wrong with Sora." Riku said as he cast another Cure spell. "Right, like there was anything right with him!" said Kairi. Riku had some honest concern for Sora, which would end up being burned out of him in the days to come. "I'm serious Kairi! Even Sora would realize that he could cast cure by now." Kairi chuckled to herself. "_Uh-huh_. Let's face it, Sora's no White Mage, (Burn them all) but he could at least do that. Something is definitely wrong." said Kairi. She grabbed Sora by the collar and they walked along the street into the setting sun while they dragged Sora behind them, a mentally and physically destroyed puppy in his arms…

End of Episode 1


	4. Boredom and Entertainment

Warning: THIS filler episode you are about to view may cause extreme mental discomfort and is not limited to epileptic seizures, lung failure, and kidney disease. Reader discretion is advised. That is, if you like that sort of thing...

The Kingdom Hearts Diaries

Episode two: Senseless Destruction

Chapter 1: Boredom and Entertainment

It was a rainy, cold, and downright boring day, and the fog was rolling in from nowhere in particular. Kairi had used her portion of the company safe money to buy herself a penthouse, complete with furniture, at the top of a hotel in New York City. (Which she grudgingly allowed Sora and Riku houseroom...) But as of now, they were watching the rain splash against the dirty windows of the living room causing mud to get in. Well, Sora and Riku were anyway. Kairi was trying to call every single person in the world on her cell phone. Why? Because she found it deeply satisfying to insult and threaten people on the phone until they either hung up, or hung themselves. Usually they resorted to the second option, she was so horrible, which is exactly why people in the world die every second or so. Anyway, she was just finishing calling every person available inside of a nearby Mc Donald's, which is where our story picks up.

"Get a real job while you're at it! Oh, and by the way, I'll be back to kill all of you at 5 'o clocktonight. Whoever feeds me the best food gets to die last!" said Kairi as she hung up. (No offense to said restaurant's employees...) "Ah… That was refreshing." She said as she crossed out another name on her hit list. But even then, she was only a quarter of a way through that one directory. And there were about sixty of them scattered around the room, contents strewn everywhere. At that moment, Sora and Riku walked into the room. Riku did anyway as Sora finally tripped over his freakishly large clown shoes. (Yes folks, it finally happened!) As if that wasn't enough, Sora started to lick the carpet. "Ugh… Kairi, stop him!" said Riku in a disgusted tone. Kairi growled like a rabid dog at the sound of his voice. She slammed down her pen and telephone directory. "No! I did it last time!" said Kairi from the sofa. "And besides, you mentally retarded people should stick together… Well, now that I think about it, Sora's too stupid to even classify as retarded anymore. Such a shame... for a while I actually... _liked_ him..." Tears filled her eyes for just a moment as she remembered the times when she was nice, and Sora liked her. Why had things changed? Why couldn't things go back to the way they were? But the darkness inside her killed off those feelings instantly. She shrugged and went back to calling people. While her good side was once again put to sleep, imprisoned until it could gain more willpower. (Whoa, super special awesome plot twist.)

By the end of the day, Kairi had called an impressive 1683 people, half of which were found dead or mentally destroyed by the next day. "Wow, 1683! That's a new best for me." said Kairi as she was looking through the obituaries in the local newspaper. At that moment, the door to the stairwell leading down into the hotel opened. Kairi didn't need to see who it was to recognize the stench of loserdom."So, did you and Sora finish spending your share of the company safe money?" she asked Riku coolly. Riku had just come through the front door to find Kairi laying down on the sofa, Newspaper in hand. Riku put down the shopping that he had been carrying. "We spent it all on these new cell phones!" said Riku. "And look! We got you one too!" Riku pulled out a shiny pink cell phone. Kairi glared at Riku. "You bought me a pink phone? A PINK PHONE?" She glared even more intensely, causing the lights to flicker on and off.Riku yelped in pain as the cell phone burst into flames in his hand. Immediately, it stopped. "There,"Kairi said flatly. "problem solved."He whimpered as the remaining charred plastic shell fell onto the carpet to smolder into ash. He placed his hands into his pockets and stared at the floor, hoping that it would be enough to evade Kairi's gaze. "I demand black." said Kairi simply. Riku suddenly smiled as if nothing had happened. "Good! Because I brought a spare!" he said gleefully. He handed her the black cell phone that had been in his pocket. Kairi took it, looking over it's features carefully,and read the inscription on its black battery door. Golden lettering glinted back at her gaze."Time Squad? What sort of loser service is this?" she said scornfully."I even bet that it gets bad reception inside of grocery stores." Riku sat down beside her on the sofa, trying to ignore the feeling of fire gnawing at his insides that occured when anyone got to close to her, and said; "Actually, it gets reception in just about any place! I even held it behind Sora's head! If anything gets through the head of this guy, its gotta be good." Kairi stared down at the shiny black phone. "Well… okay, I'll take it, but only because it got reception behind Sora's head! My old phone could never do that!" she placed it in her pocket. "Well, time to dispose of my old one then." She pulled her old phone out of the pocket of the jeans she had been wearing and pressed several buttons, throwing it out the livingroomwindow when she had finished. It flew into the open window of the building next to theirs. And without a second glance, Kairi sat on the sofa again as the building next to theirs exploded with the force of a small bomb. (In case you haven't noticed,Kairi just doesn't care about anyone oranything...)"By the way, do any of you guys know who keeps saying that?" said Kairi, looking up at the ceiling oddly. "What? I don't hear anything." said Riku, looking up with her. "That!" said Kairi with a sudden madness in her voice. "See? There it goes again!" Riku looked around the hotel room. "Nothing." He said quietly, wondering whether or not to call the asylum. "Ugh! _That! _Someone is Narrating us! And he's starting to make me look bad!" she said as she stormed out of the room with a face that looked as pink as a pig's skin tone. She went all the way down to the lobby of the hotel building and out the front door looking uglier and uglier with her face contorted in rage. Sora and Riku watched from the window as Kairi stood in the wet andslightly muddyroad, still visible by the streetlamps that had been on all day because of the black cloud cover. She pulled out a .57 caliber pistol and fired three shots into the- UGH! ...sky..."Gotcha! I knew that the only way there could be any extra dialogue was if there was a narrator! And I was right!"

Here is where things get rather confusing...(Due to the fact that the following is almost impossible to explain without a narrator, we will just show you the script already.) Scene: Narrator falls out of the sky to an almost certain death. Kairi: Uh oh. I just thought that if he doesn't survive, there will be an inqueryat my house. And even thenI sure hope he doesn't sue, because even Sora and Riku's money couldn't pay for everything, and besides, I don't want to spend any of my own. Well, best not let him die, for the sake of my money. Scene: Narrator stops in midair and lands gently. Kairi uses theDark Forces to stop him from falling.Kairi sees his face. Kairi: Roxas! What the heck are you doing here? Roxas: That's… a good… question…I was narrating... you...because it was my job...Kairi: Oh just tell me the truthor I'll shoot you a few more times! Who put you up to it? Was it my Arch Nemesis? Roxas: Please no! It hurts too much! Okay! I was your narrator from the start! Nobody put me up to it... and ... besides... you don't get an ... Arch Nemesis... until episode... six...Kairi: Ugh. I knew someone was watching us when we were sniping all those tourists yesterday afternoon! Roxas: What?... (Cough, cough)I never saw that! Kairi: Well you should've been there!I'm so proud!I killed 23 tourists with one shot! Riku: Kairi cheated. She launched her frag grenade through the window of a gift shop. Kairi: It's still a record. Anyway, if you were there all along… does that mean that you know my secret?… Roxas: Absolutely not! Unless you're referring to the time you were high and drunk at the same time. Kairi: Not that time, but I guess that means you don't know. Good,so don't say anything about that part either, or you will feel pain no bullet in the universe could dish out. Roxas: Sorry I said anything... (Cough, cough)Geez. Kairi: Anyway, can we please go back to regular story format? Roxas: Sure, why not?... I'm as good as... fired anyway. I'll call the substitute... narrator. Scene ends.


	5. Time Squad

Chapter 2: Time Squad

"Ah. Much better!" said Roxas. Sora and Riku had just finished healing the numerous bullet wounds on Roxas with Cure spells. Well, Riku did anyway. Sora was casting Fire and Thunder spells until Riku was hit by one and promptly knocked Sora out with one of Sora's oversized clown shoes. "Wow these things look retarded, they're heavy, and provide no traction, but they make great throwing weapons." He picked it up and put it by his night stand in what was left of the hotel room. "Well that's done." said Roxas as he got up. "But what do we do now?" At this point Kairi walked into the room. "At this rate Square co. will have been tipped off of my arrival at their capital building and have run like little girls." she said. "It's not very much of a help that you went and sniped so many tourists behind my back. It probably let them know you're here." said Roxas quietly. "Wait a minute!" said Riku. "Weren't you working for them Roxas?" Everyone gave Roxas a cold stare. Except for Sora, he just smiled dumbly at a nearby potted plant. "Wanna be friends?" he said. Silence. "Yay! New friend! New friend! I made a new friend!" he yelled. Riku and Kairi exchanged annoyed glances right before shooting a full magazine of tranquilizer darts into Sora. "Okay then, back to business." said Kairi. "What the-? Where's Roxas?" Roxas was running as fast as he could down the stairs and out of the hotel. "Kairi! Do something!" yelled Riku. Kairi pulled out her new cell phone and dialed 911. But as soon as she held it to her ear, she knew something was wrong. Everything had stopped moving. "What? What's going on?" she said. A strangely distant sounding voice emanated from the receiver. "Time Squad, how may I help you?" it said. "Eh? What did you say?" said Kairi. "Time Squad! Do I need to spell it out for you? You must be a first timer. Please tell me the number on the back of your phone." said the voice. "Um… it just shows 672064251." said Kairi. "Thank you. Processing… Congratulations! You have just won the allegiance of Time Squad! We have the ability to warp through time and generally screw everything up! That's right! With just the touch of a button you can destroy- I mean change the world!" said the voice. "Well in that case, would you mind building a huge wall in front of the New York City homeless shelter? Make sure that there are armed guards and that it's only there on June 27th all day long. Oh, and make sure that a boy named Roxas is caught pronto." she ordered. "Thank you, will that be all? You want fries with that?" said the voice. "Don't make me come over there and bust out a can of SMG on you!" said Kairi. "Yes ma'am. Thank you." said the voice. The line went dead, and time resumed. "Well don't just stand there. He's getting away!" said Riku as he ran out the door. "I wouldn't worry about him getting away if I were you." Kairi called as he left. Gunshots and girly screams were heard from the lobby as Kairi descended the stairway. "Yep. That's Riku alright." Roxas and Riku were chained to the wall and armed guards were preparing to shoot them. "That's enough boys." said Kairi as she flashed her phone. "I'll take it from here."

At sight of the phone, the guards, the wall, the chains, a nearby soda machine, and Sora's potted plant friend disappeared. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" came a distant cry from upstairs. "MY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!" Riku, Kairi, and Roxas all stared up the stairs with eyebrows raised. "Okay then… Weird…" said Kairi "Anyway, who the heck do you think you are? Running away like that. Did you honestly think you could get away without invoking the wrath of the future Empress of the Entire Universe?" shrieked Kairi. Thunder sounded throughout the room and lightning crackled as she laughed wickedly. After a few minutes of laughing she looked around at her silent audience and stopped immediately. "Um… did I say that out loud?" she said. Roxas and Riku nodded simultaneously. "_Yeah_… moving on…" said Roxas. "Anyway, I wasn't running away. Not from you anyway. I was simply headed for that hot dog stand outside." He smiled to himself, but Kairi glared maliciously. "Yeah… _about that…_you might want to avoid hot dogs for a while." said Riku. The hamster in Sora's head finally got off of coffee break long enough to give Sora a mental surge. "I remember that! It feels like it was only four and a half days ago."


	6. Hot dog

Chapter 3: Hot dog

Flashback Scene: Final destination. (from Smash Bros.) Donald and Goofy are Level 1 fighting Sephiroth. Sora: Yes! My evil plan is finally coming into place! Now I'm going to run away from the battlefield while them struggle and die! _Sora runs from the battle_ Sephiroth: I hope you brought coffins, because you're going to need them in a few seconds. I eat noobs for breakfast! Donald: We're not afraid of you! Isn't that right Goofy? Goofy: Actually Donald to be honest, the fact that I just wet myself is evidence enough that-. Sephiroth: Be quiet! My theme song is playing! _One Winged Angel plays in the background Oh… right… he also charges a very powerful attack that will obviously cost him 678 MP. Sephiroth charges forward Goofy falls over and trips Sephiroth, resulting in a Ring Out._ Sephiroth: Must… Get… Back… To… Stage… Goofy: How on earth will he get back up? He has only one wing! Donald: It was a wood chipper accident 4 years ago… he doesn't like to talk about it. Doesn't matter though… I'll just edge guard him to death. This game is ours. Announcer: This game's winner is… Donald and Goofy!!! _Sora talking to Kairi and Riku in Hollow Bastion town_ Sora: Great news guys! Kairi: You're dying??? Please tell me you're dying! Sora: Um….. no…. Riku: Awkward….. Sora: Actually, I finally got rid of Donald and Goofy! Kairi: Oh… not quite as good as you dying, but still… Hey! If they died then why are they coming towards you like that?Donald and Goofy: Sora!! We defeated Sephiroth!! Sora: What!!! How the heck did they survive!?!? Kairi: I know, tell me about it… This one's a hopeless case…_ Shoots Riku in the head _See! He won't die! Riku: AAaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts!!!!!! But I'm still alive. Sora: I think I've got one more idea that might do the trick. HEY DONALD AND GOOFY! LET'S GO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK IN THAT HOT DOG FACTORY!!!!!! _**Twenty minutes later**_Sora: Easiest 50 bucks I've ever made. _Walks down the street with money in one hand, hot dog in the other………Donald and Goofy were never seen again. Well at least until the Halloween episode………And so, Sora walked off… until Kairi brutally mugged him with a rusty pipe, some nails, and a rabid beaver… She got his money and his hot dog... End of flashback_

_**In loving memory of Donald and Goofy, Annoying talking animals, loyal friends, Partners, and tasty meat sticks stuffed inside of buns.**_

_**May they rest in pieces, and be covered in condiments.**_

_**May God rest their souls.**_

**Don't run away in disgust just yet! We'll be putting out a Christmas episode soon!**


	7. Creative borrowing is fun!

Warning: This special Christmas episode contains graphic scenes of old fat people eating cookies, flying magical sleighs, stuffing themselves down the chimney of your house, and fighting meaningless battles with an evil girl bent on world domination.

Reading of this episode may cause: Brain tumors, Lacerations, and the inflammation of your… well, let's let you fill in the blank…

The Kingdom Hearts Diaries

Episode 3

The Really late Christmas Episode!!!!

(Seriously… It's been like, 3 months almost!!! )

Chapter 1: Creative Borrowing is Fun!

It was in the middle of the Christmas shopping season and Sora and company were shopping for all their friends at the New York branch of Wal-Mart, well… at least Riku and Kairi were. Sora was too busy trying on every article of clothing in the women's department of the store. "How does this look on me?" said Sora casually as Riku approached from the men's department. "Umm….. That's a dress." said Riku, obviously repulsed. "I prefer the word blouse." said Sora. Riku rolled his eyes. "Ugh, you disgust me… When you fell on your head from the roof of the Square headquarters, I never thought your stupidity injury would get this bad." He said loudly. "Just come on! We've been here for like thirty minutes! And besides, we still have to find Kairi before she sets off bombs in the middle of the Pets, Orphaned children, and White Mage sections!" After several minutes of struggling, Riku finally dragged Sora out of the women's department in search of Kairi. It took several minutes, but eventually they found her in the middle of the Fragile and Easily Broken objects department, which was unusual, even for Kairi. She turned in the middle of the aisle to see them approaching and held out her hand. "I wouldn't come any further if I were you. I've placed a portal to the Darkness on the floor for little children to be ensnared in." she chuckled wickedly to herself as she continued down the aisle. Sure enough, there was a black circle on the grimy floor, pulsating with a dose of Kairi's signature evil. Sora was completely unfazed by Kairi's warning and began to step forward. "Yay! Sounds fun!" said Sora. Riku quickly reached out and snatched sora back from the dark circle before his foot fell in it. "Um… no Sora, that's bad." said Riku impatiently as he pulled him back. "So, did you guys find anything that's not worthless in this dump the employees call Wal-Mart?" asked Kairi indifferently as she walked down the aisle, ever so slowly. "Well I found my gifts for you and Sora." said Riku hesitantly. "Oh _really_?" she sneered. She continued walking down the aisle. "Well if you bought me another dress I swear you will hang." said Kairi. "A dress is not a proper gift for your future Queen of the Universe…" She had all of a sudden had a mood swing… as if that was new. "What now?" said Riku, confused as always. "I mean your _friend_." She said as she continued down the aisle. Sora, who wasn't listening at all, was busying himself with digging under the bases of the shelves on the floor for hidden goodies. "I found a candy bar" said Sora as he pulled out a glob of black sludge out from under one of the shelves. Riku's jaw dropped as he looked at the glob. It was runny and slimy, and seemed like it was some sort of living creature. "That's not a candy bar…" said Riku as he turned to walk away. "So you should just put that back." '_Yeah, _and this isn't a water gun." said Kairi insanely as she pulled out a taser rifle and shot Riku in the gut.

"It burns!" shrieked Riku as he flailed on the ground. Riku's flailing bumped several of the shelves causing hundreds of glass objects to fall down and smash. An alarm began to sound as four armed security guards came on the scene. "Hey! You kids! No breaking the merchandise without paying first! It's just like stealing!!!" yelled one security guard as he advanced. He made such a racket that even nearby Yuffie Kisaragi, who was doing her Christmas stealing for Cloud and the gang, heard what was going on. She looked up and dashed into the aisle where Riku was still flailing to see what the matter was. "That's creative borrowing!!!" she yelled angrily. "Don't call it stealing! It cramps my style." She added smugly. Another security guard recognized her and in turn yelled, "Hey! I know you! You're the one who stole my son's tricycle! Not to mention my Materia!" Yuffie retorted, "It's my getaway vehicle!" A smaller squad of Child Protective services came out of nowhere down the cramped aisle to arrest Yuffie on charges of stealing and using a children's mobile vehicle without a license. Yuffie laughed crazily and shrieked to the approaching Child Protective servicemen, "You haven't seen the last of me, Super… umm… what was it? Oh well, whatever! Ill just come up with a Super Villain name later! Umm… but until then, you still haven't seen the last of me! Wa ha ha ha ha!!!!!!" She plunged a hand into her pocket and pulled out a small smoke bomb. She threw it at the floor without another word. And, anticlimactically, it bounced several times and rolled up to the feet of the first officer where it fizzled out. There was a moment of silence and raised eyebrows as they all stared at the tiny, defective smoke bomb. "_Okaaaaay…"_she said quietly. "Let's try that again…" she said even more quietly as she fumbled in her pocket for another smoke bomb. "Aha! Now…it's time for my escape!!!" She threw her second smoke bomb at the floor. This time it actually exploded with the force of a firecracker, making a plume of smoke, and a small blast mark on the dirty floor. "Ha! I did it! I have at long last invented and perfected a smoke bomb made entirely out of used chewing gum! They said I couldn't do it! But who's stupid now huh?!?!? Who's stupid now!?!?!?" She looked around after her short lived victory celebration and noticed that all of the smoke had faded away. "Oh… I was supposed to run wasn't I?" she said thickly as the Child Protective Services grabbed her.

They tied her up, and dragged her across the dirty floor out of Wal-Mart just before tossing her through the rear-view window of a police cruiser that happened to be parked right outside. "Well…" said one Serviceman. "That was interesting… but it's time that we and those other guys got back to that merchandise destroyer." He said to his team as they ran back to the aisle where Kairi was tasing Riku. The squad of Child protective Servicemen pulled out their taser rifles and shot Riku as he was trying to get up after Kairi's taser battery had died. "Wow!" she said excitedly. "This gives me the perfect opportunity to change my taser battery!" She smiled cheerfully to herself as she switched it out. "Merry Christmas Riku!!!" she yelled as she resumed firing. One of the security guards pulled out his radio. "I need backup!" he yelled as he continued to shoot Riku with Kairi in tow. The other security guards joined in as well. "Yay! Fun! Fun!" yelled Sora as he joined in. "Where the heck is everyone getting the tasers?!" screamed Riku as he flailed on the floor. "Aisle 5 next to the ceramic Christmas Trees." said a passing a passing cashier. "Only forty two ninety five plus tax!" She said as she pulled out her own taser and clipped off a few shots as well.

About 20 minutes later, Riku was deep fried and lying on the floor in the Breakable Objects aisle. Passing groups of children would occasionally step on his face as he struggled to move. In fact, even passing groups of adults would occasionally stop in the middle of the aisle to laugh at him in his pain, and _then_ step on what was left of his face. He had only just regained consciousness before someone decided to step on his face again. "So many electrical burns…" he rasped quietly to himself. "Why?" With enormous effort, he finally struggled to get up. "It satisfies me greatly to see you pathetic stooges suffering." said a voice. Riku instantaneously became aware that he wasn't alone. Kairi was grinning at Riku with complete satisfaction on her face. Sora was still playing with his taser as he ran up and down the cramped aisle. The area was deserted except for a pile of security guards all tied up with their tasers in their mouths. They were all unconscious by the looks of them. "What did you do to them?" said Riku as he looked from them to her in outrage, but before he could say anything else, they started walking away. (Kairi was dragging Sora on a makeshift leash that was crafted from the plastic bags that Wal-Mart has.) "Hey! Where are you going?" Kairi looked down at him in disgust. "McDonalds. I have a long awaited appointment to attend to. (See previous episode if you don't remember.) And I mustn't leave the employees waiting should I? And about the guards, they annoyed me so much with their 'You're wanted for mass murder!' and their 'In the name of the law, you are under arrest!' It sickened me beyond reason. So I just put them to sleep for about a month or two." she said wickedly. Riku struggled to get up, but he was too weak.

And as his friends left he heard someone else coming in his direction. "Mmph!" he said as a passing cloaked figure stepped on his face. "Ooh… sorry about that." said the figure. Riku tried to see the face of the cloaked figure but couldn't. "Hey! Come back! Don't just leave me here! My friends abandoned me to go on a lunch break at McDonalds!" But the figure pressed on, trying to find where the eggnog supplies were being held. "Awww…" Riku panted. A security guard came around the corner and spotted Riku. "Hey! Kid! No loitering on public property! And what's this? Spilling blood on the floor is a federal offense!" At this Riku realized that he was bleeding profusely. "We're hauling you off to the big house!" Riku wasn't able to reply, because the next thing he knew was that he was immediately bound, gagged, and thrown through the windshield of the police cruiser that was parked directly outside the front of Wal-Mart. _**Flashback…15 seconds previously… **_Yuffie: Okay, I've almost got it… almost… almost… there! _Even in hand cuffs she managed to pull out a knife from her back pocket. Suddenly, Riku is thrown through the windshield of the cruiser and lands directly on top of Yuffie._ Yuffie: You Idiot!!! I was about to cut myself free! And you had to come along and get my knife embedded in your ribcage! Ugh!!!! Riku: Gaaaaaa…. I …. (cough cough) I…. Yuffie: If you're trying to apologize I'm not accepting it!!! _She tries to pull it out of his chest while Riku passes out from loss of blood._

Meanwhile, on the other half of Wal-Mart, Roxas was finding that perfect gift for that special someone. "Now what would make the perfect gift for her?" he looked around at the surrounding shelves. _There! _He spotted a seventy-five pack of Halo Brand plasma grenades on a nearby shelf. "This will be perfect! Namine loves to take out her daily stress by using deadly explosives on passing cars!" he said happily. "That leaves me one more thing to get while I'm at Wal-Mart! My anti-Hallucination pills! I just can't stop talking to myself!" he smiled and started walking down the aisle humming all the while. _Roooxxxaasssss… _said a voice in his head._ Listen to me… Destroy the Hollow Bastion hotdog factory… and- _"Shut up!!! I am sick of you telling meto destroy things! Leave me alone!" yelled Roxas crazily to himself. "It's getting old! It's always kill Sora, destroy the hotdog factory, kill Sora, release you from your eternal prison, and kill Sora!!! Don't you think that if I could kill him I would have done it by now?!?!" Several people had stopped to stare at him as he had continued. "-who the heck do you think I am? Sephiroth?" he continued. Security guards came running to the scene. "Oh no…" said the first guard. "Not another one of those crazies…" He pulled out a large dart rifle and loaded a large caliber needle, loaded to the brim of its hollow interior with anesthetic, into it and pulled the trigger at point blank to increase the pain. Roxas was asleep before he hit the ground. The security guards grabbed him and were about to put a straight jacket on him, but decided better because he was already asleep, and just threw him in the trunk of the police cruiser outside because there wasn't enough room in the back seat with two inmates already in it. _Thud._ There was a jolt as Yuffie pulled out her spare knife inside the vehicle. Unfortunately the jolt caused the knife to fly out of her hands and impale the medical officer coming to save Riku from dying. "Nooooooooo!!!!!" rasped Riku. "Noooooooooo!!!!!" yelled Yuffie. "Nooooooo……" rasped the medical officer as his candy bar fell out of his coat pocket where the knife had impaled him. Yuffie watched her last hope die with the medical officer. "Now how the heck am I supposed to get out of here? That was one of my closest friends in disguise!!! He was going open the door and get us out! Nice job genius!!!!" she yelled to Roxas. Since she couldn't reach Roxas in the back, she used Riku as her "whipping boy" and angrily kicked him in the head repeatedly. She angrily kicked the door of the police cruiser too, because she thought it deserved it and it opened instantly. And to her surprise, it swung open. "_Okaaaaay …_Freedom!!!!" Yuffie jumped out of the police cruiser and ran down the street. (The security guards never tied her feet… Idiots…) "So long suckers!!!" she yelled. And Yuffie the ninja failure faded from sight down the parking lot. "I swear to God this isn't over." rasped Riku angrily. And he passed out again.


	8. Imprisoned

Chapter 2: Imprisoned

_Earlier_

Namine was shopping in the deadly chemicals section in Costco to find a present for Roxas. (She usually liked to shop wholesale.) "Can I get a bottle of this in blue?" she asked a nearby attendant as she held up a bottle of Arsenic. The attendant frowned, and asked, "Um… Yes, but I'm kind of required to ask what that Arsenic is going to be used for, if you buy it… It's because we usually don't get customers in this department that often." Namine thought carefully for a moment, and decided to tell the attendant what her intentions were. "Well, if you must know, I am giving this to my "friend" as a Christmas gift. He's been having trouble killing someone. I think he'll love it don't you?" The attendant looked slightly startled by the explanation but still asked, "You do realize that you can be held responsible if there is a death right?" Namine smiled devilishly and picked up a bottle of Hydrochloric Acid from a nearby shelf. "Well, it's a good thing I wasn't the one to buy it, in fact I was never even here… _right_?" The attendant's eyes darted from the bottle, and to Namine's face, and finally back to the bottle. _Holy crud… she's serious…_he thought. "Of c-course madam… y-y-you were never h-here…" stuttered the attendant. Namine smiled a mysterious smile. "Excellent. Now, could you wrap this up? And make sure to use extra bubble wrap!" The attendant nodded and led her to the cash registers.

Riku and Roxas on the other hand were locked up in prison. They both shared a cell with Yuffie, who was captured after running face first into the windshield of another police cruiser on the other half of the parking lot. _Flashback _Scene: Yuffie running down the parking lot. Yuffie: So long suckers!!! Riku: I swear to God this isn't over. Yuffie: You'll never catch me now! I'm getting away clean! **Crunch!** Scene: Yuffie hits windshield of another police cruiser and passes out. _End of Flashback_

"That flashback was totally pointless," said Roxas as he sat on the edge of one of the grimy beds in their three-man prison cell. "It doesn't even begin to cover the facts!" Riku gave a Death Glare to Roxas. (A Death Glare is the kind of glare that tears your soul into tiny pieces. It's responsible for most of the Emo people in the world. You know who you are…) "Please just do us all a favor and shut the heck up." said Yuffie. "I'm trying to get my other, other, other spare knife, and all you've been doing is yapping like a stray dog!" Riku frowned scathingly at Yuffie. (He hadn't forgiven her for the knife in his chest just because they were in jail now.) "Exactly how many knives do you have?" he said impatiently. Yuffie frowned in deep thought, "I don't really know." She said with a shrug. "I've kind of collected them over the years and they kind of built up." Riku stopped talking, clearly taken aback by what she said, but he regained his composure quickly. "Then why not put one to use so we can get out of here?" he yelled angrily. Roxas sighed and said "What good would the knife do us in prison anyway? It wouldn't do anything to the bars!" Yuffie glared at Roxas, who immediately was silenced, knowing that she was about to speak untold truth that he would have never guessed unless Namine was around. "Well, let's think… Hydrochloric Acid knives would." Riku frowned skeptically. Roxas cheered up.

Meanwhile Kairi was busying herself with the last of the Mc Donald's workers and staff. "Okay… that just about deals with _THIS_ restaurant." She chuckled to herself as she left the desolate wasteland that was Mc Donald's. As she walked down the aisles to the exit of Wal-Mart, she saw Tidus and Wakka walking very quickly. They tried not to make eye contact with her as she passed. "Do you think we got past her? Did she recognize us?" Tidus whispered quietly. Wakka looked behind him carefully. And Kairi was right behind him, glaring all the while. "What are you doing here?" she said coldly. "I thought I told you to never show your faces near me again!" She was about to throttle Wakka, but Tidus whipped around so quickly that he knocked several glass sculptures from the Fragile Objects department off of a nearby shelf. And as they shattered, he began to speak very fast. "No! Wait! Kairi, it wasn't Wakka's fault that we lost it! It was my fault I swear!" Kairi's hands stopped in mid grab at Wakka's throat. Several security cameras attached to the ceiling and a small group of passing children stopped to watch the scene unfold. "What?" Tidus gulped hard, and continued. "I was the main reason that we lost it!" Kairi looked from terrified expression to terrified expression and decided that it could be debated for a few minutes… but in the end, they were both going to die. "So, you lost it? You lost my DeathNote?" The surrounding crowd had doubled in size during the last few seconds. All of the Security cameras in the store had to hook up to one circuit just to watch. Kairi looked at Wakka. "Hey, he said it, not me." He said quietly. "All you had to do was bring it to my room and close the door!!!" said Kairi angrily, rounding on Tidus just as quickly as she had turned away. Tidus quickly said, "But your room was in another country, on another planet, and in another dimension!!! There was no way we could do that!!!" Kairi looked livid. "Excuses!" she screamed. There were people on all sides now, watching Kairi flare up like the sun. (Emotionally, of course) "And yet," she said quietly. "Kairi does make exceptions… I tell you what?" she said calmly now. "Why don't you two come to my Christmas party tomorrow?" she said almost happily, with a strange grimace, almost a smile, on her face. "I would greatly appreciate it if you came. And to make it sweeter, why don't you invite all of your friends as well?" Tidus and Wakka had no idea what the sudden change of mood was, but they didn't question it, because it had just saved their lives! And even more importantly, their dignity… "Um sure?" said Tidus hesitantly. Kairi's grimace grew even more distorted as she "smiled". "Then it's settled then! I'll be waiting! Our Penthouse is on the top of the Holiday Trash Bin hotel on 5th avenue!" she said with almost no emotion. Tidus and Wakka stood and watched as the crowd that had been watching dissipated back into the store. "I can't tell, but is this good or bad?" said Wakka. "I don't really know Wakka, I really don't know…" said Tidus quietly as Kairi faded from sight.


	9. Shades of Red

Chapter 3: Shades of Red

At around three 'o clock in the afternoon, Kairi's party decorations had been set up by tiny preschoolers that had been kidnapped from the nearby daycare center. They had been tied up and thrown into the back of several postage trucks to be sent directly to her penthouse to work for absolutely no money whatsoever, and to slave for hours on end. And without naptimes to boot! This made a lot of parents angry, but when they tried to reclaim their children, they were also tied up and thrown into the back of postage trucks to be put to work by Kairi, so either way, people were going to work for Kairi, whether they liked it or not.

"Work faster!" screamed Kairi. "Work faster! I don't pay you to slack off!" She swung the whip that she had been using into a high arc, down at Sora's back, which didn't seem to hurt at all, because he kept on pulling chunks out of the carpet. "I found a nickel!" he said happily as he pulled what looked like a small bottle from under the edge of the carpet. Kairi looked at it for a few minutes, and recognition dawned on her face. "Hey! So that's where my bottle of Brain Stimulants went!" she said. _Hmm…_ she thought. _These look expired…_ "Sora! They're all yours!" she tossed the bottle at his head where it vanished promptly into his ridiculous hairstyle. _That ought to get him going…_ she thought happily. Sora, for some strange reason, crumpled to the floor and began to twitch, foam at the mouth, and sing "Move Along" (by the All American Rejects) uncontrollably. Kairi stood back and began to enjoy the effect that expired medication had on mentally expired people named Sora. _Wow, _she thought, _not the effect I thought it would have, but hey! They seem to work better when expired! Forget that Christmas Mariachi band! I'll just use Sora, and my trusty expired brain meds!!! Together, we will be the life of the party!!! WA HA HA HA!!!_

Meanwhile, back in the jailhouse, Riku and Roxas were arguing as to whether or not Yuffie could get them out of there. "I'm telling you, she couldn't possibly get us out of here! She's been trying to find her Hydrochloric Acid knives for hours now, and to top it off, we're going to miss Christmas! It's only twelve hours from now! And by the time we finally get out of here, we'll be ten years older!" Roxas jumped up into Riku's face. "You aren't even giving her a chance! She could get us out in no time! And besides-!" Yuffie cut him off. "Shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to you two argue like an old married couple!" she barked. But her sudden vigor crumpled at the same time her expression did. She sighed hopelessly as she crumpled back to the floor. "Oh, never mind… We'll never get out of here…" Roxas walked across the cell and sat down on the hard wooden jail bed next to Yuffie. "We'll get out, don't worry. Besides, aren't you a ninja? We could just escape with your Escape Jutsu!" At this Yuffie jumped up. "Oh yeah!" she said cheerfully. "That's how I escaped from jail last time!" Roxas looked horrified at what he had just said. "No! No!" he tried to say. "Prison walls are ninja proof!" but the damage was done. She was about to vanish when Riku grabbed her leg. "Take me with you! I don't wanna be stuck in here with that loser of a story narrator! I won't let you!" she vanished into thin air in a blast of smoke and leaves. "Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!" yelled Riku. Roxas retreated to the far wall of the cell as Riku rounded on him, waiting for the end…of his life… that wasn't coming… at all… _wow… that was extremely anticlimactic wasn't it? Don't worry people… I'll just fire my writing staff and tell you what happened next myself… _

Riku was standing across the cell facing Roxas with a look of complete bewilderment. "What are you doing?" he said quietly. Roxas opened his tightly shut eyes and looked across the cell at Riku. "Umm… You're not mad at me for telling her that?" he said, not believing how lucky he was that Riku was nice. Because otherwise, he would have been horribly mauled. "Ah, about that… I just let things go… mostly because of the fact that when I try to retaliate, I'm always injured somehow." A loud, jolly voice sounded throughout the tiny prison cell, saying, "Good idea, because I would have had to put you on my naughty list for being such a dumbass! Ho ho ho!!!!" Riku and Roxas looked up at the ceiling to see where it was coming from. Almost instantly, the wall opposite the cell bars imploded into nothingness. But, against all laws of physics, a ton of shrapnel and sharp rock hit Riku squarely beteen the eyes. This, of course, hurt him tremendously. But that's alright… he had it coming… Anyway, Riku and Roxas squinted into the sudden sunlight to find Santa Clause waiting beside his sleigh. His sleigh was really not a sleigh at all but a custom made pickup truck pulled by 300 horses… worth of engine power… Riku wiped the blood off of his face to say, "Hey, I'm not dreaming or anything am I? I mean, you _are_ Santa right? I haven't taken too many painkillers again?" Santa frowned. "Shut up or you're goin' back in the cell…" he said darkly. Riku was silent the rest of the day… or at least until he got back home to take Anti-Hallucination pills… "So," said Roxas quietly as they rode in the backseat of "Santa's" truck. They were headed down the street to their penthouse. (Kairi wanted to live close to a jail so she could participate in the daily executions. They took her off the list of available executioners for obvious reasons.) "you're "_Santa_" right?" he continued after an awkward pause. Santa looked into the rear-view mirror with a sort of hunger in his eyes, an unnatural hunger at that. "_Of course!_" he said. Roxas looked uneasy as the car ride continued silently. As if that wasn't awkward enough, Riku began to play with the many buttons in the truck. It had a nice tan leather interior with an extremely powerful sound system in the back. The subwoofer took up the seat in between Riku and Roxas in the back, but didn't quite obscure their sight of each other. But even stranger than that, the extremely powerful stereo system was playing lame, old, and not so entertaining Michael Jackson songs from the 80's. But besides the strange choice in music, the ride was going smoothly… Riku was eventually bored with pushing buttons, and looked blankly out the window. "Santa" suddenly slammed on the brakes, and Riku, Roxas, and the subwoofer were all flung forward into the backs of the seats in front of them… but the Subwoofer was flung through the windshield, and into the street, never to be seen again… because Kairi was in the middle of the road, with a Spartan Laser in one hand, and a Needler in the other. (It's A Halo 3 reference!!!) "Oh Shit…" said Santa quietly. He gripped the steering wheel tightly as Kairi opened fire on his truck.

The truck exploded with ferocity quite unlike normal pickup trucks. Its explosion shattered glass on all nearby building windows, and set anything within twenty feet of it on fire. And as an added bonus, it left a blast crater the size of a minivan. When the smoke had cleared, all that was left was Kairi, standing in the middle of it while the people that had been in the streets that had been going about their daily lives were running and screaming in all directions. She had been protected from the explosions by a bubble of darkness that even now, faded. "Smells like another victory for the one, the only, Kairi!" said Kairi happily as she took a deep breath of smoggy air. "And that's another holiday figure that bites the dust!" Her victory was very short lived because of the fact that "Santa" was standing on the other side of the blast crater amid the ruins of his truck. "Not so fast, Kairi baby." He said. He started dancing with a vigor that was very unbelievable for an old man. Riku and Roxas were both there too, but in much less of a mood to dance. They stirred feebly as they became aware of their surroundings. They were all less than two blocks from the penthouse. "HEY KAIRI!!!" Yelled Riku. Kairi looked toward Riku now. "What?!?!?" she yelled back. "WHAT'S GOING ON???" Kairi looked slightly confused as to why Riku didn't know what was going on. He of all people should have known. "Why are you yelling!?!?!?" she yelled back. "WHAT?!?!?!" Kairi looked bewildered. "I SAID, Why are you yelling???" she screeched. "OH! I AM??? WELL SORRY, MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING FROM THE EXPLOSION!!!!" Kairi rolled her eyes. "OKAY!" she screamed.

That whole time, "Santa" danced and danced. Unaware that he had been "tagged" with an adhesive grenade. Santa exploded, to put it plainly… As the smoke cleared, it became apparent that "Santa" wasn't really "Santa" at all, but really- "Michael Jackson?" said Riku and Roxas in unison. They were looking over the body of "Santa", that is to say, Michael Jackson that had had half it's body cavities blasted out with the force of the explosion. "Yep, and by the looks of things, he was about to take you back to his fortress of doom." said Kairi quietly. Riku and Roxas exchanged glances of fear with each other and said, "Oh well." And together they walked back down the street to the penthouse in the midst of a setting Christmas Eve sun.

As you readers are all aware, Kairi had set up a Christmas party. It was a hit, except for the fact that Tidus and Wakka disappeared from existence right in the middle of it. When Yuna, Rikku, and Auron set off in search of them, they too disappeared. Lulu, who obviously knew that Kairi had got to them, told Paine that she was leaving. Paine, having been an EMO apprentice to Lulu, had no choice but to obey. All in all, the gifts were passed out to everyone. Sora happily received his mind back from Kairi, who had in fact, been holding it hostage for the past few weeks. And finally to conclude that, a horrible bout of the Christmas Spirit found it's way into Kairi, who immediately went into her room to get rid of it. And that is the end of one of the Christmases we cover…


	10. If I See You, You Die!

**Warning:** Prolonged exposure may cause internal bleeding, temporary paralysis, and cardiac arrest. Copy our storyline or our jokes and you are going right in my death note, and you will suffer all of the above… anywho enjoy!

The Kingdom Hearts Diaries

Episode 4: Vacation time!

Chapter 1: If I See You, You Die!!!

"You heard me! If I see you at any time during the next two weeks, you will be coming home in a body bag!" Kairi said. Kairi, Sora, and Riku were having a very _delightful_ dinner together at a fast food restaurant called McPizzaQueen on the night before they all went their separate ways. They had all come to the recent conclusion that they were so sick and tired of seeing each other that they had unanimously decided the night before to take a trip to separate locations.

"We get the point, the first hundred death threats were enough." Sora whispered quietly to himself.

"We're all going to different places anyway." Sora said reminding the extremely irate Kairi as he sat down across from Riku and next to Kairi who glared at him heatedly, making him fidget nervously, until he finally got up and made his way over to Riku's bench.

"Seriously this place should've been closed down years ago for all of the health code violations." Riku said as he peered inside the cup of golden brown fried grease that was the special for the day. "Special: super pizza/burger/grease shake fifty percent off read the sign." He almost though up as he flipped the cup upside down only to see that its contents were stuck to the inside of the cup.

"Well, that's McPizzaQueen for you, always be sure to bring a barf bag, then again they do have a box of them right next to the moldy ketchup dispenser. Of course half of them happen to have been already used." Sora said

"Not to mention that there's been so many roaches found in their food, that they finally made them official ingredients to avoid any more law suits." Kairi added.

"Which brings up the question, why the heck are we eating here?!" Sora said moodily as he poked the slowly moving blob of grease on his plate. To his dismay his meal had bitten off the end of his fork.

"Mostly because I spent most of your and Riku's munny on my boat tickets, and I refuse to spend any of my own on you two." remarked Kairi with a smile as she ate a piece of the crab dish she had bought next door.

"If anything, this meal reminded me of why we need to take these trips." Riku said. Some of his smoothie crawled out of its cup only to be devoured by one of Sora's fries as it approached the end of the table. Sora frowned and said "Aww our meals are making friends."

Two Days Into Vacation

Riku:

Riku was on the gummi ship on course for Puebla, Mexico to try to sample the dirty tap water. He was trying to pilot the ship for his first time, and for some reason he was over the Pacific Ocean. If you're wondering why he's using the gummi ship in stead of Sora or Kairi, he won the right to use it in a game of rock, paper, scissors the previous night. "Wow this is much easier than I thought it would be" Riku said as he sat at the hideously overcomplicated controls. He did a few aerial maneuvers and back flips while dodging incoming air craft, and flew through a category 5 hurricane with his eyes closed. "I think I'll put it in auto pilot and sleep for a while." he said as he pressed the auto pilot button about fifteen minutes after leaving the hurricane zone. Unfortunately he had not realized that the ship had been on auto pilot the entire time, explaining his ability to drive using his feet, blind folded without falling to earth in a horrible death spiral, and he had just switched it off before falling asleep. Don't worry the ship would be fine as long as it didn't malfunction or hit something, but what kind of plot line would that make? The ship collided with a 747 Boeing jet before falling out of the sky. "Huh. What's going on? Oh my God!! The ships about to crash!! Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!" Riku regained consciousness just before the gummi ship hit the water. (If you're wondering the 747 landed safely with nothing but huge amounts of gum sticking to the wings, which was quickly sold to the passengers to make a few extra bucks.)

Kairi:

Kairi was on a cruise ship on course for the Destiny Islands. It had launched from New York harbor a couple of days before. Strangely enough, everyone on the ship was in a panic because _someone_ had assassinated six of the passengers. Not to mention three of the ship's crew members. On top of that the cruise wasn't even half over, so naturally, the crowd panicked even more. So far no one had seen any of the murders take place, and most of them, with the exception of one, had disappeared completely, leaving only a bloody stain behind. Kairi was at the moment getting a suntan on the deck. "We're all gonna die!" whimpered a panic stricken crew member to a kitchen-hand as a small group of them passed by. "I heard the captain got a note saying if the cruise stopped he would be next. If he hadn't received it we would have been off this crazy train by now." He continued to the kitchen aid, who apparently could care less about anything this crazy bastard had to say. "There's been three of us and six passengers who could be doing this?!" He yelled insanely just before the Kitchen aid out of earshot. Kairi, who was listening in on the whole thing smiled. "Wow, it just gives me this warm and fuzzy feeling inside to cause this much widespread fear and panic." she said to herself after they left. "They really should be doing a better job of keeping this a secret. The whole ship is buzzing about it." She sat up in her chair. She seemed slightly disturbed. "I only killed eight people. Who killed the ninth?" she thought to herself. "Oh well, I'll just have to make sure I get the other killer while I'm on board… or maybe I'll get the other killer to come to me." She happily resumed her suntanning, and anticipating a fun night.

Sora:

Sora, unlike Kairi or Riku, was taking a slightly less expensive or far traveling vacation. He had decided to try to live on the street as a hobo for the entire two weeks of his trip. He had been hitch-hiking around New York State for the past two days trying to find a good, homeless infested area for him to start his "on the street" experience, and here, in the ghettoest area of New York City, with nothing but two weeks supply of five star food, a suitcase full of designer clothes, and ten-thousand munny in cold, hard cash, on a ghetto populated street front at one o'clock pm., he began his trip. Only to be horribly mugged by the neighborhood kindergarteners and left for dead immediately after taking his first step on the street. "What…the heck…just happened?" rasped Sora as a squad of nearby police officers accidentally woke him up about six o'clock at night. They had apparently been digging through his already ransacked suitcase. "Oh um… you were mugged by some kindergarteners and you passed out." said the officer as he stuffed the ten thousand munny that he had found hidden in the suitcase into his pocket. Apparently Sora had an extra ten grand… and kindergarteners don't know how to properly ransack people's bags. "What?! How did that happen?!" Sora said as he sat up. "You shouldn't be surprised. You had quite a bit of cash on you." said another officer as he counted up the twenty percent he received for not stopping the elementary children. "Well… I guess this will make my homeless experience more realistic, but it's kind of distressing that I just lost almost all of the money I packed for the trip" remarked Sora, who was apparently trying very hard to be positive. "Wait…. You have more?" asked the first officer hopefully. "Of course, I have some in the extra space of my dorky clown shoes. Why do you ask?" Sora was knocked out, mugged, and left for dead…. again.


	11. Why Are You Here?

Chapter 2

What Are You Doing Here!?!?

Roxas (!?):

"Ha! They're finally gone! Sora, Kairi, and Riku all gone! This is the perfect opportunity to rummage through their personal belongings and find loads and loads of dirt." Roxas was happily taking advantage of the absence of all three of the main characters, by breaking into and raiding their New York Penthouse at the Holiday Trash Bin hotel. He managed to climb in through the window on the twentieth floor, and somehow he survived the gunshots and the third degree electrical burns he got from a trap Kairi had set up specifically if someone had gotten in that way. The trio had actually intended for him to be housekeeping for them while they were gone, (Kairi had "_forgotten_" to remove the traps) and he had received a note and the house keys in the mail the day before, but he was too busy planning his break in to get the mail. It was pretty decent, and it would've been pleasant if there weren't so many booby traps set up. Luckily Roxas had been used to test so many of them he knew where each of them was. First things first" he said. Roxas began to rummage through their refrigerator. For some reason there wasn't any food in their fridge, but other, strange, things. Sora, Riku, and Kairi used it to hold things of interest, they almost always ate out. Right now there was: the ball of sludge from Wal-Mart that Sora got during Christmas. In the freezer there were three poke-balls, Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, and Venusaur inside, Kairi was having an experiment to see which would die first in the freezing cold. Riku had stuffed his medical insurance card in the refrigerator to keep the magnetic strip from going bad, he was a platinum card holder, and was covered for two-hundred-million, munny. He would need every last cent. "Okay well that was a bit strange, but I guess I should move on to their bedrooms." said Roxas after closing the fridge. Roxas walked down the hall to Sora's bedroom. For some reason Sora's room was entirely coated in bubble wrap. It was put there to keep him from hurting himself, but now that his mind had been reinstated by Santa Clause he was slowly popping, then taking all of it down. Roxas spent the next hour or so running through it repetitively and casting spells/ physically attacking the walls. "Well, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I should probably go invade Riku's privacy next." He said to himself just as he had left the room he realized something. "Wow. That's strange I was sure the voices in my head would have told me to do something in there. I mean it's Sora's room, I have a great chance right here to set something up that will kill him." he remarked. _What?! Oh sorry. Umm,_ _Roooxaaas this is your chance. Kill him now! It is the best time. All three are gone; No one is here to stop you! Blow his room off of the face of the earth and him with it. _"That's more like it, now on to Riku's room." _What?! I just commanded you to blow up Sora! Now get in there and rig his pillow to explode you little (__**Bleeeeep**_"Oh like I ever listen to what you say! To Riku's room!" Roxas walked down the hall to the next bedroom. Riku's room was a bit less like a cell at a mental institution than Sora's did, although he did have a huge cabinet filled with bandages and a few medical instruments for those times where curaga just can't cut it when it came to bullet wounds. He had put red upholstering on almost everything in order to make the many blood stains a bit less obvious. To put it plainly, it didn't do the job that well. They were everywhere. He also had a safe in the corner that was almost completely hidden by a pile of used hypodermic needles, which Roxas carefully nudged away. The lock was pretty solid and did not look like it would fall away so easily. Roxas pondered this a moment. "I know!" he said. "I stole this from Yuffie while she was knocked out in prison. Get ready Naruto fans you're about to be made fun of!" Roxas built up his chakra and began to make several hand signs in very quick succession. "**ICE CREAM! STRABBERIES! BANNANA! FRUIT SMOOTHY NO JUTSU!!" **The lock froze solid and turned into a pile of slushy. Floor. Roxas got a small cup out of his pocket and got some of it off the grimy floor. "Yuffie had a great idea when she got this. Umm strawberry/banana smoothie flavored not bad." He opened up the safe and inside he discovered what appeared to be an old notebook. "Finally! Some dirt!" shouted Roxas in excitement as he began to read the most recent entry. _Dear diary_, it began_, Today was a good day. I only received fifteen and a half bullet wounds. Don't ask where the half came from. On top of that I only needed to overdose on Tylenol three times to make the pain stop._

_I've been feeling kinda down since Christmas. The bulletproof vest from Sora was nice and I use it a lot, even if he did find it on a week dead police officer in the middle of the slums. Kairi's present was nice too, she promised not to shoot me more than once the entire holiday season. Surprisingly she didn't shoot me at all, but that was probably because she had left a hand grenade inside my pillow that night. Anyway after the party I started to think about how I'm always being shot at by someone. In fact Sora clipped off some shots at me, even Santa clipped off a few shots at me, oh wait, those were just pieces off shrapnel from when the wall of our jail cell was imploded. Sigh… Not even contemplating suicide helps me feel better anymore. Not since the day I realized that as a main character I can't really die until the end of season two. So as of Monday of next week I've decided to dye my hair black and become an EMO. I hope you're happy for me dairy, because I sure am! Speaking of which, I have to go cut myself to get all the happy out. Bye for now. Love, Riku.  
_"Wow! I always knew he had issues, but this is just messed up. Wouldn't you agree with me KH fan? Roxas heard a crash from the hallway. Slightly startled that someone was there. He got up to go look. He got out into the hallway only to discover that the noise was coming from the kitchen. "On God no! They can't be back already! I've better make my escape." He ran down the hallway until he crashed into someone coming out of the kitchen. He fell to his knees to try to beg not to be killed. "Please! Kairi no! Please don't hurt me! It's not my fault! Yuffie dragged me in here! She took all the stuff! "What do you mean I took all the stuff?!?!" Yuffie the ninja was standing above him holding one of Kairi's "_kitchen_" knives threateningly in her hand. "What!? Yuffie! What are you doing here!?" he said as he got up. "What does it look like!? I'm taking advantage of the lack of main characters here and am robbing them blind! See!" she shoved a bag of what appeared to be the stuff from the refrigerator, and a few of Kairi's knives. Roxas noticed that she didn't have any wounds or electrical burns from the traps. "How did you get in without getting hurt?" he asked "What? Oh that. I used the pass card they sent you in the mail. Apparently you're supposed to be house sitting for them." she replied. Roxas twitched a few times thinking of the horrible burns and bullet wounds he had gotten from breaking in. While he was doing this she noticed the cup of slushy in his hand. "Hey! Wait a minute! You're the one that stole my jutsu scroll!" she looked menacingly at Roxas clutching the knife ever harder. "Umm, wait, no, don't point that thing at me. Wait! Don't you want to see the inside of Kairi's room?" Yuffie who was about to go ninja on Roxas stopped at the thought. "Well maybe ill let you live a little longer, but I swear. Steal one more jutsu and I'll go jinchuriki on you, you little (**bleeeep**)" Roxas and Yuffie continued to the end of the hall. There were no windows or lights on this side of the hall and the air had become almost suffocating. Kairi's bedroom door loomed before them. It was a huge black slab of darkness that almost seemed alive. "Strange." said Roxas. "It looked just like any other door from the other side of the hall." "Maybe we should rethink this." he continued shakily. "Just shut up and help me push this thing open!" said Yuffie. Just as they touched it they were pulled in by the darkness. They reappeared falling out of a horizontal portal about five hundred feet above the street in front of the hotel. They began to fall.


End file.
